The hideously hideous return of Tak
by SibulaSiirup
Summary: My enemys enemy is my friend, right? Tak and Dib follow this philosophy in order to defeat Zim, but surely they never thought it would be so bizarre, troubling and hilarious to make it. NO PAIRINGS ON THIS FIC!
1. Chapter 1

**This was first written in Spanish, but I liked it, so I translated it. As English isn´t my native language, I surely have some mistakes and/or I don´t follow their catch phrases, cuz I dont know them all. Anyway, if you see any mistake, please tell me and I will be pleased to fix it. There´s no pairing cuz my intentions were to make this fanfic as similar to any episode you´d watch on TV as possible. **(If Nick hadn´t canceled the series, of course ;_;) **And that´s all I wanted you to know, so we jump to the fic. Read, review, enjoy (but review :3)  
**

**BTW, I do own NOTHING! The places and characters are My Master´s property (That´s Jhonen V) and also property of those shitty things named Nick and Viacom. **

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1

The sky was plagued with purple ships and gigantic rubber pigs with laser coming out of their eyes, in charge of destroying anything left of human kind and every human on earth, except for me. I´d like to believe it was my super developed brain what saved me, but I don't really know.

Anyway, there I was. The last one of my race. Hiding behind The Mall (or what was left of it) I could only think on my Dad and Gaz…

Especially in Gaz.

I mean, just in her.

Dad maybe was saved; maybe he had escaped with all his white-coat partners, but my little sister…

_C´mon Gaz, you know you can beat those space jerks, you know you can kick their asses… _I mumbled to myself over and over again, but there was the crude reality: I was the only human alive. I told them, but nobody listened! And now Zim had won and this planet was just another land of his crappy race, probably becoming into a parking lot… I remember how bad I wanted to shout them "D´YOU SEE? I WAS RIGHT, MORONS! Zim _is _an alien! TOLD YOU! HA! TOLD YOU!" When the invasion was just beginning, but that would only worsen the hysteria around the world, the hysteria of those who were now scattered around the city, and around me.

I was kneeling down behind the Mall when I heard an evil laugh behind me, resounding in my ears, into my brain. I slowly turned to see him, standing over some corpse, with a triumphant smile.

_Son of a…_ I thought and I mumbled his name, almost spitting it: _Zim…_

"Hello, Dib, _hyuuman!_ Do ya like it? Told ya, you could ever beat me, INVADER ZIM! And here´s the proof! Your filthy little planet is conquered, and it was all by myself, cuz I'm bigger than you, better than you, and because I AM ZIM! But the amazing invader Zim may be… y´ know… Merciful"

"I would rather die than getting something from _you_" I replied, hateful, and he just laughed.

"Really, huh? Don't ya really need help from the greatest invader of the galaxy, no, of the entire UNIVERSE? Look at yourself! You´re totally defeated! And I'm here, losing my valuable time, not killing you, and you don't want MA help? You are so much dumber than I thought. You don't want my help? INVADER ZIM´S HELP?" He asked and started laughing maniacally.

"Why do you want to help me?" I asked and he stopped laughing.

"I… I don't know. Guess I was pretending to take you where My Tallest, and show ´em how was life in your planet, and maybe they´ll experiment with you later. Don't look at me like that; it's better than not been alive at all. I hate you, but I have to admit you´re the only redeemable in your putrid human race, the only being with intelligence. You need me, Dib-worm, I know, ya´ know…" he said, smiled with a normal smile (not one of _Oh, look how cool I am, I beat you, you fucking loser_) and stretched out his arm, offering his hand to help me up.

I looked at him, wondering if I should accept his help, but he´s my nemesis, please!

Lots of things came to my mind, but one was bigger: I was what was left of humanity. And it shouldn't disappear so easily, even if it's just me. Biting my lip, and closing my eyes, I stretched my arm to take his hand…

And I woke up.

"It was just a dream" I sighed, drying the cold sweat off my forehead. "Of course, what was I thinking? Zim will ever conquer Earth. Not on my watch."

And then I saw him by the mirror in one corner, with his big ruby eyes watching me. I put on my glasses and turned to see him quickly, shouting "Aha!" but there was no Zim.

_Ok… maybe I am a little paranoid. Maybe they´re right and I'm going insane, sure I'm just __hallucinating…_ I thought and got myself into bed again. And I closed my eyes, already falling asleep, when I felt something (someone?) sitting over me. I suddenly opened my eyes and saw him, sitting with his legs open on me with a sharp dagger in his hands.

"My Squeedily-spooch is severely damaged and only your human heart can save me" he said, almost sweetly and plunged the dagger into my chest, with both hands. I shouted, feeling an excruciating pain, but my screams were becoming high pitched and repetitive, like "beep-beep" and then it wasn't me, it was my alarm clock.

I opened my eyes and saw Gaz, standing in front of my bed, playing with her Game Slave II.

"No more dreams? Am I really awake?" I asked softly

"You, big asshole, your sissy squeals made me lose against the Vampire Pig "she said with her usual hate.

"Did I shout? What did I say?"

"You were just repeating Zim´s name over and over again. Why don't you just admit you like him and leave me and my videogame alone?"

"WHUUUT? THAT REVOLTING SPACE BOY? How can you say that? Of course I don't, who do ya´ think I am?" I asked, and the single idea made me wanna go to dad´s lab and drink 10 liters of sulfuric acid in a shot.

"If you don't like him, why do you have an altar in our basement, you freak?"

"It ISNT an altar, is a collection of evidence and irrefutable proof that Zim is an alien!"

"You´ve got photos of him, and DNA samples. You disgust me, you´re such a pervert." She stated. "However, Dad saw them and they´re on their way to the city dump, and see if you stop being so gay."

"WHAT? NO! I need my evidence! The WORLD needs this evidence! Why didn't you stop him?"

"You made me lose against the Vampire Pig, for me you can go fuck yourself." She said and walked away. I dressed up in my highest speed and ran to the kitchen, where dad was making instant soup with nuclear heating.

"The garbage truck hasn't arrived yet?" I asked breathlessly and dad interrupted his uranium particle dividing to look at me.

"Yeah, it arrived and left." He replied.

"NOOOO MY EVIDENCE!" I shouted and pulled myself to the ground sobbing and pounding the floor with my fists.

"The photos of that exchange student you say is an alien?"

"I don't say he´s an alien, _I know that!"_

Dad patted me on my head

"Son, I think you should get rid of that xenophobia, don't you think?" he asked and I just growled and ran away, to the city dump.

If I need to throw myself into the garbage for saving human kind, whatever.

While looking, I pitied myself aloud:

"This is just pathetic! I have everything I need to prove to anyone that Zim is an alien, and they don't believe me! They don't even listen! There´s no one who could listen to me, or am I asking for too much?"

"No, you´re not. I believe you." a voice said from behind, and I turned to see a blue haired girl cradling a black cat with red eyes in her arms, both smiling dangerously (I mean, if the cat could smile)

"Tak? Weren't you…?"

"…Dead? Nope. Zim is too short to defeat me. Actually I came here to revenge once and for all, but this time I decided I need help, and as you are the only human being who has a brain, and your sister freaks me, you will be the one to help me kill him."

"W-what?" I asked and she smiled, maybe flirting, but it was scary enough

"Y´ see, I have everything planned, but its worthless without you, Dib, you are the only one who can help. Besides, I know you also want to get rid of Zim, don't you? He dies, we win. It's the perfect plan. We _are_ the perfect allies."

"But you wanted to destroy Earth!"

"Yes, I did want. But not anymore. Earth is so tiny… our Tallest don't give a damn for it."

"They don't? Then why…? How…? How can I trust you?" I challenged her and she smiled again.

"Well…. I guess I have to do the Irken Vows…"

"Irken Vow?" I asked, but she ignored me, became an Irken and with one hand clasping her two antennas and the other in her chest, she recited:

"_I swear for my Almighty Tallest_

_For my Irken race and my pure blood running_

_If it happens I'm not honest_

_My squeedily spooch… will shatter_"

"The last part doesn't rime" I pointed.

"Don't question my vow!" she yelled and her voice went sweet again. "So…. Will you help me?" asked and offered me her hand.

With that ridiculous poem, she had convinced me, besides I thought maybe it was time to attack fire with fire (or irken with irken) so I agreed and shook her hand. When I did so, she smiled and her cat purred.

"Now, can you explain to me why the hell if your Tallest don't care about my planet, Zim is trying to conquer it?" I asked. She became human and took my hand (which in any other circumstances would make me blush, not because I like her, but because the only girl I talk to is my sister) but this was important, so we ran to the closest Mc Meaty´s so she could explain me her (our?) new plan.

The place was, as always, full, so it was either stupid or clever of Tak to tell me her plan shouting:

"As I was saying, we don't care about your planet. When you two took me out of ya planet, I started to wander around waiting for MiMi to reconfigure, so she could give me the coordinates to return, and I discovered why there would be no… competent irken trying to conquer Earth. Because your planet is too small, even your Milky Way is small. Your sun may be big enough, but we have bigger suns than yours. My irken race is only interested in the size, so your planet is safe." She said while I was drinking soda.

"Wow…" I said. "And if you don't care, then why Zim…?"

"Because the truth is that Almighty Tallest sent him to any planet far enough and they were hoping him to die soon, and he doesn't know that, or he doesn't want to accept it. If The Tallest told him that, he would believe it, but they don't care about him."

"If they told him…. He would die!" I exclaimed and she smiled and ate her second waffle.

"Exactly, Dib. And that's the phase two of my three-phases plan to defeat Zim."

"Which one is first?" I asked

"There's where you act. Y´know, there´s an ancient alien proverb that says_: You need your enemies more than you need your friends_, do you know it?" I didn't answer "yeah, I thought so. Anyway, you and I will see if that proverb is true."

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**First chappy finished! (translated, I mean)**

**Did you like it? Yes? No? (if you anwered no, DIE!) Ejhem... well, hope you liked it, hope I fulfilled my purpose. Comments would be great! and comments will get some waffles! You love waffles, you cant stand living without waffles...**

**Ok, see ya for next chap!  
**


	2. Truce smells funny like underwearish

**Second chappy! They told me my grammar wasnt _that_ bad, and I felt like twelve years of studying English were finally useful for something, thats sooo cool! Anyway, here it is. I dont own anything, but neither my Master, JV, which is a shame that makes me wanna cry my heart out. Nick and Viacom own everything (yuck!)**

**As I said before, I hope this chapter doesnt go against the rules written by my master, My Almighty Tallest, Jhonen V.**

**Read, review and enjoy! Killer sugar canes for everyone who comments (beware! they kill!)**

**BTW, if you hadnt notice, the xxx means that someone new is... how do you say that? POVing?**

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Xxx

"With my new BRILLIANT invention, I will vaporize anybody who throws that sticky thing they chew all day long on the floor! DO´YA HEAR ME, BILLY? You´ll regret of that day you threw that sticky thingy that ruined GREAT ZIM´S SOLE! DO YOU HEEEAR MEEE? I only need to… hum ok, ITS READY! I´M A GENIOUS!" I shouted, because I AM actually a genius, and I wanted revenge. I was about to try my new vaporizing gun when someone rang the bell upstairs "COMPUTER!" I shouted "WHO IS THAT, KNOCKING AT ZIM´S GREAT DOOR?"

My computer showed me a screen where I saw that Dib-stink standing in front of my door "AHHHH THAT STINK-BEAST? COMPUTER, TURN ON THE DEFENSES!"

"But if he´s not attacking us, what are we defending of?" He replied

"OBEY ME!"

"He isn't even carrying any gun, he´s totally harmless."

"STOP QUESTIONING ME AND DO WHAT I ORDER YOUUU!" I shouted and upstairs, Gir shouted "´M coming!"

"GIR, DON'T YA DARE TO OPEN THAT…."

"Hiiii big headed boy!" Gir shouted and I hit my forehead, growling. It is SO hard to obey me? C´mon!

"MY HEAD IS NOT BIG! I mean, hi. I bought you some tacos, I know you love tacos." His disgusting voice said.

"Thanks! I… I love you."

"GIR! NOOOOOOO!" I shouted, but they didn't listen.

Oh dear! My arch nemesis standing in my base, polluting my cleanest air with his simple breathing, infecting, planning! He´s so full of germs! I can't stand that!"

I went upstairs, holding my new gun and three Lysol cans, and I saw that filthy human pork putting his dirty human pork butt on my super clean sofa and it was hard not to shout.

"Ahm… Hi, Zim" he said

"What are you doing here? I warn you, if you dare to enter to my base…"

"I'm already inside" he replied

"LIEEEESS!" I shouted and sprayed him with the three cans. I mean, if he´s coming and he´ll destroy my base and break everything, at least he should be clean, don't ya think?

The Dib-stink coughed and coughed, infecting my clean air with his germs.

"STOP COUGHING! YOU´RE SCREWING EVERYTHING!"

"I would if you could stop spraying me with that!"He replied half speaking, half coughing.

"LIEESSSS! FILTHY LIES JUST LIKE YOU!" I shouted again and he waved his hand to disperse the spray. He coughed a little bit more, covering his mouth with his filthy hand, as if it would avoid him to contaminate my clean base.

"Anyway" he said after more coughs "I'm here to ask you something kind of unusual. You see, after thinking for a while, I realized that my inferior human tech is nothing against yours, and the rest of them are way too stupid, and they are not helpful at all. I just got tired of fighting for people who never listens to me. It's annoying. That's why I'm asking for a truce."

"A what?"

"Truce, that means I surrender."

"YOU LIEE! I was so right! YOU´RE LYING! COMPUTER, ATTACK!"

"He isn't attacking us, why do you want to attack him? Besides, he´s not lying and according to Asimov´s Three Law…"

"STOP QUESTIONING ZIM AND ATTACK!" I interrupted it.

"Ah… nope, I'm not."

"FOOLISH COMPUTER GOOD FOR NOTHING!" I growled and saw Dib "What? Is this a trap? Do you think you can beat GREATEST ZIM? Cuz you can't! And I AM ZIM!" I shouted and laughed maniacally.

"No, I'm just surrendering. Ya see? I even brought my white peace flag" he replied, showing me an impaled -and filled with germs- human undergarment.

"Ok, are you waving a dirty _hyuuman _undergarment to show me you´re being serious?"

"Well… yes. That's how we ask the bullies to stop wedging us…actually, this isn't mine… I don't know whose this…" he looked at the thing with a disgusted look. "Eh… do you have some sanitized to lend me?"

"So… surrendering, huh? And what if I shoot you with my vaporizer?" I asked and he put his hands up. "And if I invaded today your sticky planet by launching laughing gas until everyone explodes from laughing so hard, you would do nothing?" Oh, that's a good idea, I'm such a genius!

He shook his head, still with his hands up, but I couldn't believe it, he couldn't just surrender, there should be a reason, I mean, besides my obvious superiority, his obvious inferiority and the fact that I am better than any disgusting human worm… ok he has plenty of reasons.

"Look, I can prove it. Let's go outside." He said and I followed, just because I felt curious. Outside, he told me to take off my ingenious disguise.

"I KNEW IT! THIS WAS A TRAP! And I almost fall! But luckily I'm superior, my mind is superior, all me is superior and…Puaj, I swallowed a bug!

"This isn't a trap, I swear!" he said and took off my wig while I was distracted. I thought he would shout, but he just looked at me and threw it away. He didn't say anything to the human beasts walking by.

So he was telling the truth! He´s admitting his inferiority and surrendering!

"Well, if you won't ruin my plans anymore… PRAISE YOUR NEW INVADER!" I shouted and he kneeled down and… praised me. Dib-worm, praising me! My arch nemesis! And soon there will be more, cuz now I have the clear path to get my invasion, Oh when My Tallest find out they will feel sticky things!

"If you´ll not screw everything again, then GET OUT OF MY BASE!" I yelled at him and he shook his shoulders and walked away.

"You see? He didn't attack." Computer said

"SHUT UP! Or you won't get Christmas box!"

"You don't even pay me… and we´re on March."

"LIES! GIR!" I yelled again and the stupid little robot saluted me

"Yes, Master?" He asked with red eyes and deep voice

"Get me to the Almighty Tallest."

"Okee-dookie! Can we eat taquitos now pleeeeeaaaaseee?"

"After you get me to them, Gir. They´ll be so pleased with the news!"

Xxx

In the Massive Irken ship, Almighty Tallest were sitting on their couch, watching TV, and lazily changing the channels.

"Hey, the reality show should have been started already. They are running late for one minute now…" Purple sighed, being the biggest fan of that show, as he was one of the hosts (Red was the other one) and as they would always make those little guys do things like puppet shows and stuff.

"You´re right… Hmmm… Let me send someone to kill all Televisoria habitants…" Red said, talking about the planet that gave them their 5000 channels. Suddenly, on the TV, an electronic song that was like cats mating started playing. "Oh, look, it started." Red sighed; both got closer to their giant TV screen, and then on it appeared their smallest mistake.

"Wow! Zim is on _Irk´s next invader_?" Purple asked "I knew he was a terrible invader, but I never imagined he would be on that kind of show …"

"Don't be stupid, it is…"

"MY ALMIGHTY TALLEST! I'm so glad to see you again!" The little green creature in the screen shouted, honoring them.

"And we´re happy to see you too, Zim…" Red sighed sarcastically

"Really? Wow, thanks!" Zim shouted while blushing, unaware of their sarcastic looks. Red and Purple looked at each other and then looked again the little green thing shaking impatiently.

"Anyway!" Zim continued "I called just to tell you that Irken invasion is almost complete! I'm about NOTHING to destroy human kind and offer their filthy planet to your HIGHNESS! Everything thanks to that dirty Dib-stink, who finally discovered my greatness…"

"Wow that should take a long time…" Red mumbled to Purple and both laughed silently.

"…And finally surrendered!" Zim finished.

"That's very interesting Zim, but… wait a minute, you hadn't conquered those idiots because one earthlung…"

"Earthling, Master" The little alien corrected shyly.

"Yeah, whatever. Because an earthling didn't allow you to finish your plans? A native whose intelligence is obviously inferior to irken´s? that´s… pathetic!" Red said and both Tallest started laughing to tears.

Zim smiled nervously, wondering if he should either laugh with them or take offense.

They laughed for an entire minute, giving the expression "LMAO" a new meaning. Really.

"Ahh… that was fun… anyway, my reality show is already starting, and I don't wanna miss a thing, I wanna see if Tenn goes home tonight, so… goodbye. Thanks for the laughter"

"Please never EVER call again" Red said and turned off the communication.

On Planet Earth, a little proud green alien smiled and sighed.

"Ya see, Gir? I cheered up their day! I'm their biggest source of happiness. Oh, how can Zim be soooo great?" He said happily.

"Yeah, master, sure" The little robot replied, totally absorbed by his rubber piggy.

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**C´mon, it wasnt that bad... I hope you liked it!**

**In the original Spanish story, the Tallest were watching a Telenovela, but I thought a reality show would fit too.**

**Well... what else can I say? Oh, today I dreamt Zim was wearing a cheerleader suite, and he was cute!**

**Oh, true, replies to comments:**

**watchmexplode33: Thanks for your comment, and Im fighting a lot against my hideous grammar, hope it´s fine.**

**TGWT: here´s your waffles. Eat all you can. They have soap and bacon! delishuz! and thanx a lot for your comment, Im sure you could translate a story too, you only need some knowledge... and Google translates.**


	3. Jealouzim?

**You´ll say: God, Gloom, what took you so long? and I will say: Sorry, too much work to do. Cuz I have lots of things to do! Im writing another fic, a crossover but its in spanish so you wont read it. Damn Im evil. And I have schoolwork too. But anyway, here it is, the new chapter. Sadly, I cant promise I will be updating soon cuz I really have no idea of whats going on with my pathethic life. **

**As always, I dont own anything**

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The next day was school day, but something that didn't fit in Zim´s routine happened. Something really weird

"Listen to me; disgusting human waste, we have an old-new student that came back from deep space to finish making your lives miserable just in case she didn't do it the last time. Here´s Tak, again. Sit down, kid, there´s a seat in the back, near to the gigantic Venus flytrap who enjoys eating children´s flesh. But don't worry, it´ll kill you quickly… Hope it cuts your head first." Miss Bitters said, as horrible and nightmare-causing as always. Tak nodded once and saw her new-old classmates.

"It's cool to come back here" she simply said.

"Oh! Look who´s back! Zimmy´s little girlfriend!" Sarah shouted and the aforementioned looked at her with eyes wide open.

Tak sighed with disdain.

"You shouldn't say those things. They´re not nice. If you dare to say that again, you will smash against the roof, over and over again, get it?" The female irken said dangerously and a weird glow came from her eyes. The annoying brat floated and started smashing against the roof.

"No! I… won't! Let… me… go! Please!" Sarah shouted between blows before landing with a thud in her seat.

"As I said, it's not nice for me to hear those lies about me dating with that… Because my real boyfriend is…" she walked next to Dib, who was as confused as everyone else "Dib!"

"Really?" Zim asked.

"Really?" Everyone else asked.

"Really?" Dib asked and she poked him "I mean… yes!"

"You have a distasteful liking for men, brat. Who could ever like this big headed boy?" Miss Bitters said

"My head is not…!"

"His head isn't big, Miss" Tak replied with a sweet smile, (as sweeter as it could be, so it was kinda frightening) took her "boyfriend´s" hand and smiled again, but her eyes were fixed on Zim and her face shouted REVENGE!

Miss Bitters gave the happy couple a disgusting look and sighed.

"Whatever. Ok, to saturate your tiny minds filled with the vomit of the slugs that live inside your brains, you will read a book about how are we going to die on the Armageddon. Page ten to 1000. Do it in pairs, cuz we are an odd number and I wanna see the loser who doesn't have a couple to humiliate and traumatize him. You have ten minutes." The teacher said, and the students started to join in couples, screaming happily. Tak and Dib got together, and as it started, the noise finished, with everyone sitting next to someone else.

With an exception.

As nobody wanted to work with Dib before, they were always pushed to work together, but now even the freaky paranormal obsessed kid had a couple.

Miss Bitters got close to him, sneaking like a shadow.

"Oh Zim, you have no couple. That means that if we got stranded on a desert island without food or water, you would be the first to be murdered by your classmates, to eat your flesh, drink your blood and use your green skin as a blanket for night time. You make me laugh." She said without a pinch of laughter, which was something good, because if she laughed, all the children would end up in a madhouse due to the trauma.

Zim looked at her, wondering under what circumstances he, with his amazing superiority, would get stuck in a desert island with those brainless apes.

"Nobody wants him?" The hideous teacher asked and raised her voice "Nobody? I´m selling him for five cents. One cent? I'm sorry, Zim, you´re not worth even one cent."

"I want him!" An annoying voice squeaked from the back of the classroom and an orange haired boy appeared next to them. The reason why he had green eyes instead of red remains a mystery.

Keef smiled his best smile to Zim, who just sighed. "Com´on Zim, we are gonna be the best team ever! You´ll see there´s no better friend for you than I." Keef told Zim while pushing the alien to his seat. The green boy let go and walked to the couple.

"So… pairing, huh?" He asked to both of them. Tak looked at him and answered:

"I came back to Earth just for him."

"So… The Dib-worm doesn't hate us anymore." Zim stated, watching cautiously the big headed boy, reading nonstop

"I can obviously say that you´ve stopped being a relevant aspect on his life" Tak answered instead.

"LIES! This is a complot against the AMAZING ZIM! But you can't defeat me! Besides I'm Dib´s entire universe, right, human ape? You are lost without me!"

"My priorities changed, Zim. Now, can you leave us please? We have to finish this book" Dib replied.

The little alien looked at them, hiding his confusion with an angry look and walked away. Then he sat next to Keef, who started talking abuts something he couldn't understand, and Keef was talking and talking and…

"Keep holding my hand, he´s still watching us" Tak mumbled.

"I'm sorry, but it doesn't feel good to take a monster´s claws… No offense intended" Dib whispered

"Do you think it´s nice to take an inferior specie´s dirty hand?"

"Oh, look who´s talking, the super evolved alien who was defeated by the shortest of her race… Auch!"

"Shut up and smile sheepishly, he´s looking at us again. Not anymore, stop holding my hand!"

At lunchtime, the horrid teacher let them go to the cafeteria, and all the brats did so, running like animals, except for the two aliens and the weird kid.

"I will discover your pathetic little plan, I promise! If Zim says it, ZIM DOES IT!" Zim yelled shaking his arms, and getting two strange looks.

In the cafeteria, everyone was on the line to get something that if it wasn't cat food thrown up by a cat, then I don't know what was that. Zim was waiting in the line, to get served and play with his food as always, and some worker gave him a paper that said a single number: 4657.

"What's this, human monster? Tell me!" Zim asked

"Your turn. You see we´re on turn #3" The worker told him, pointing to some counter on the roof.

"Waiting? I´ll be your future conqueror, and I have to wait to get some shitty food I won't be able to eat? THE AMAZING ZIM DOESN'T WAIT!" Zim yelled at the worker, who walked away, and then the irken saw the human behind him, creeping out when finding he was the Diblet with some bologna. And Zim closed his eyes, waiting for the horrible pain and the accusation from the human, but… nothing happened.

Dib was behind him and he didn't try anything to stop Zim from conquering anything.

"No! Bologna? I hate you Bologna! ZIM CURSES YOUUU!"Zim yelled, waiting for the Diblet to attack him, but again, nothing happened. The pity human behind drank some apple juice but he didn't spit it out to the irken in disguise.

_He was funnier without a girlfriend _Zim thought against his will.

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**Our Zim is kinda jealous... what will happen next? you´ll find out on the next chapter, which I have no freakin idea of when it will be updated. Good luck with your lives! And comment! **


	4. Phase 2

**Im an awful human being, I know! Sorry for taking so long, my head´s full of ideas, and my projects change just like my socks! (very often) Im soo soo sorry! Promise I wont forget this never again!**

**anyway, here we´ve got a beautiful 4th chap. Look at it, isnt it beautiful? hope you enjoy it.**

**Read, review and... be happy.**

**Tomorrow begins InvaderCon. If you´re going to it, I HATE YOU! I mean, enjoy the con! **

**If you see Rikki Simmons tell him Im sorry about his dad. Send my condolences. But you wont see Jhonen (I hope so) muahahaha! :D**

**this doesnt belong to me (the characters, I mean) but I wont tell you who´s the owner cuz I will get down.**

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"Gaz, you´ll meet my girlfriend today."

"I don't care"

"That´s why we are ordering pizza… From Bloaty´s Pizza Hog, you know… Your favorite…" I insisted.

"Still don't care."

"Look, here she comes." I said and Tak came walking, with her black cat behind. My sister watched her and continued playing.

"Isn't she the friend of your idiot alien friend?"

"I told you thousands of times; Gaz, Zim and I are enemies, not friends. And yes, she is. But she promised she won't destroy earth just for me, isn't that cute?"

"Oh yes, so cute I wanna puke."

We were all sitting on the kitchen, eating the pizza, with a floating computer screen beside Gaz.

"I'm so glad you forgot that silly alien stuff and got a girlfriend for yourself, son." Dad said from the screen.

"Yeah, thanks. And in what are you working on, dad?" I asked.

"Oh, glad you asked. Well it's just something that WILL CHANGE OUR LIVES FOREVER! Hear this: Toilet paper that shines in the dark. Isn't it cool? Tak, why aren't you eating?"

"I'm... intolerant to lactose." She replied

"Everyone knows Bloaty's pizzas have no cheese, it's a mix of industrial glue and salt." Gaz said, glaring at her.

"Well… Dib and I have to go; we have a school work to finish, right, Dib?" Tak said and kicked me under the table.

"Auch! I mean, yes. Goodbye, Dad, hope your toilet paper shines!" Gaz looked at me before I went out of the kitchen.

"Take me to your base!" Tak yelled and so I did, and in the base she took a long time looking at my gadgets while I explained her which was their functions.

I was explaining to her the reasons why I had a barbecue gun under my bed, in case Zim wanted to murder me in the night, when I realized she wasn't listening anymore. She was looking at the TV screens I had, especially the garage one, and her eyes were shining much like Gaz´s when she sees pizza/videogames.

"My… my ship." She mumbled.

"Ah, yeah, I kinda fixed it, for…" I started to say, but she interrupted me

"My ship! How did you fix it? Its Irken technology, it can't be fixed by an inferior species!"

"Wow, thank you." I said sarcastically. "It wasn't that hard, just some reconfigurations, and…"

"My ship! I thought I would never see it again!"

I ignored her nonsense mumbles and started to explain her how I fixed the ship without any help (I pretended Gaz didn't do half of the work) but she was still in shock. After some minutes, she told me something I didn't understand and ran away.

After 5 seconds or less, she came back, normal again.

"Where did you go?" I asked her.

"Why do you care?"

"Well… you just ran away!"

"Stop talking about nonsense! Do you wanna kill Zim or not?"

"I'm not talking nonsense, I just…"

"LIEES!" She yelled just like Zim.

Maybe it's an irken characteristic to be annoying and to yell a lot.

"Anyway, the second phase of our plan to defeat Zim, consist on the Tallest to tell Zim the truth: I mean, that he sucks. But there´s one little problem: We can't ask any favor to my Tallest, they are too powerful to care for us… So I'm lost. Think of something."

I did so, and a few minutes later I had an idea, good but dangerous.

"I know, Gaz! She´s an expert on videogames design, maybe she can make some kind of animation as similar as possible to your Tallest!" I said and we ran to Gaz´s room.

"You know what happens when you come inside, Dib…" Gaz said when we got inside, and all her creepy bloodthirsty toys watched us evilly, which made me nervous.

"Hum… we need your help, Gaz."

"Nope."

"I haven't spoken yet!"

"Anyway, no."

"Please?"

"No"

"Please, Gaz, I'm begging you! The future of humanity is on your hands!" I begged, kneeling down and losing all the dignity I had left.

"You´re just pathetic."

"Please! I swear I'll never ask for anything else again! I´ll give you anything"

She smiled and that chickened me.

"Anything?" she asked in a creepy soft voice.

I swallowed.

"Well…"

"Yes, anything: his eyes, his brain, anything you ask" Tak intervened and I felt worse.

"Absolutely anything?"

"Anything" Tak said, without been intimidated.

"Ah, Tak..." I said with a little voice, totally intimidated.

"Anything? Really?" Gaz insisted, smiling

"I do not like what's happening here…" I mumbled but nobody cared.

"ANY-THING" Tak spelled and Gaz laughed her monosyllable laughter

"Ok, make it fast. I'm almost arriving to the level of the Vampire Pig Supersaiyajin phase 4" Gaz said

"Ok, that was bizarre. Anyway, Gaz, we need you to make a video where Zim´s bosses fire him. Tak can give you the details." I said and my creepy sister walked to her giant computer with enough memory to save all _Bioshock_ videogames, and sat on her sofa in front of the screen.

We worked for a few hours; Tak easily took control when she learned how to work on the program, and Gaz and I were trying not to sleep, I don't know why, but we were so tired…

"Aren't you *yawn* sleepy, Tak? I don't know why I feel so tired *yawn* maybe there was something on that pizza…" besides me, Gaz was finally asleep.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I DIDN'T PUT ANYTHING TO THE PIZZA!" Tak shouted and I watched her oddly "Ah… that was an expression, right? He he, forget what I've just said, Dib, I finish the video. Just sleep… and hope you wake up…"

I was about to ask her what did she meant, but I fell asleep.

I dreamt I finally defeated Zim and I became a hero

But I was just dreaming.

"Wake up, big headed boy! I finished the video!"

"My head´s not big!"

* * *

**Blame on me, Blame on me, Blame on me! It took me forever! But Im currently working on the translation of some LOSE episodes, from English to Spanish (LOSE is my 2nd obsession, Jhonen Vasquez´s work is the #1) And writing a crossover for Invader Zim and LOSE. If you speak Spanish, cuz its in Spanish, then I invite you to read it**.

**What this means is that I have a lot of stuff to do, so probably the next chap will take some time too. Im soo sorry.**

**If you hate me or liked this, comment. I give you permission to throw me tomatoes (but not in my eyes, please!)  
**


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